DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
