Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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