I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
