Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
