hell yes lets make some ravioli
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
