I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
