...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
