So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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