I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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