I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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