btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
