I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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