Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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