He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
