You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
