he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i love accidental penises.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
