final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
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i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
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I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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