I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
