mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
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He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
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I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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