Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
