I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
