once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
