you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
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DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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