Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
there is puke in my bra ... again
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