If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
