This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You're like the curious george of whores
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
