Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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