Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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