also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
