I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
