dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
