I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
