I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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