I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
