I wish I could teleport
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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