Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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