so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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