Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
