Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
