Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
