You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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