i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Randomize
