once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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