before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
