So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
