Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
