I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
