True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
