I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
