Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
bring money and cleavage
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
