I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
