here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
