I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
