Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
