I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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