So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
bring money and cleavage
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
