so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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