Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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