kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
