So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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