oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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